On Self Medication.

I'm actually a pretty thrifty and money conscious person. 

I carefully review my bank statements to make sure no erroneous charges have occurred, I bring a sack lunch to work everyday (PB&J, bag of chips, apple) and I have had the same 20+ pairs of underwear for years. I'm happy with all of these behaviors and habits. 

But I recently realized I was spiraling into an online-ordering-FedEx-tracking-rip-the-box-open-frenzy and have decided to go on a self prescribed spending freeze for no less than 30 days. I'm 11 days in.

It wasn't even that I had shopped my way out of house and home or that I had ripped into my savings all that dangerously. I spent a little too much here, gave into the post-Thanksgiving, pre-Christmas, post-Christmas sales a little too much there and though I still have money in the bank, that money isn't growing. And I want it to grow. So, the spending freeze was implemented in the middle of the straight up winter freeze. 

And it is HARD. I have a pimple right now. A big doozie. I woke up, saw it and knew that purchasing an on-sale, cashmere swing sweater from J.Crew would slap a salve right over that sucker because I would know, and the zit would know (??) that in a few days time I'd have a brown box waiting literally at my door with a soft, totally unneeded and unnecessary garment to put on and feel pretty in. 

It is HARD. It is cold outside, winter seems unending, my favorite yoga studio suddenly closed its doors and my usual, dedicated gym routine has faltered amongst all this. I wondered if purchasing a pair of new jeans, in a size just a little too small might be that motivating kick I need, might push me to dust off the cobwebs because I knew that they would be arriving soon, eager to be tried on and hopeful to fit. 

It is HARD. I'm BORED. It's not the exciting time at my work. It's quiet on the streets of Chicago. The movies in the theater are those January - March releases that aren't good enough to motivate you to get out the door to actually see them. So looking at gorgeous prints, shapes, textures and styles online just seems to be the only way to feel a sense of promise and to have something to be excited for. 

And all of this, from personifying pimples and sweaters to wrapping your body up to fight the elements to feeling a lack of motivation all multiply until suddenly you've spent $1,000 in the last month. On clothes. And then you just feel dumb and young and kind of embarrassed and you decide to freeze. 

So I'm 11 days in.